I am once again sharing an article by Hather Forbes, who is one of my favorite parenting experts. Her “love-based” parenting directly addresses the fear (“fight-or-flight”) responses that so many traumatized kids experience. This perfectly explains how to reframe and handle a kid’s negative attitude — a common problem.
Q: My 8-year-old son “hates” everything: the particular car driving down the street, the shirt I’m wearing, the kid next door, the color of the living room, the cashier at the grocery store, etc., etc. I am having trouble understanding this and how to deal with it. Any insights?
A: I’m certain that this is a maddening place to be with your son and that it feels as if nothing will make him happy. There’s nothing more frustrating than to try to send positive energy to someone, only to be met with resistance and negativity.
|In order to reverse your child’s perception of the world as negative, it will first take a new understanding of why he “hates” everything. When children’s needs are met early in their development, their blueprint for the world becomes positive and optimistic. When a baby is crying and sending out stress signals, he is in need of nurturing and comforting care. When this is given to him, his system is shifted back to a state of regulation and the world is a good place-he develops a sense of optimism.
If he is not cared for and if he is left on his own to navigate through his internal stress, the world becomes a scary place. Negative repetitious conditioning breeds an outlook of pessimism. No matter how much he cries, no matter what he does, he can’t seem to convince his caretakers to help him. Helplessness and overwhelm prevail. For such a child, nothing is working, so his universal blueprint of “nothing is right” is being created.
A child who “hates” everything is a child in a perpetual state of fear and dysregulation. His neurophysiological system has been programmed to see the world as half empty instead of half full. He truly doesn’t know that everything is going to be all right. He really doesn’t know that good always overcomes evil. Essentially, he is programmed to live an operatic tragedy instead of a light-hearted drama.
Think about this…isn’t it great to simply go to Netflix and pick out what kind of movie you want? Maybe it is a romantic comedy; maybe it is an action movie; maybe even during this Halloween season it is a horror flick.
But in our own realities, we don’t have the luxury of returning one life and checking out another so quickly. What we do have are three key elements to make significant changes to our life stories: 1) understanding, 2) relationship, and 3) plasticity.
The first of these, understanding, was addressed in the beginning of this article. The second, relationships, is something that is always available to initiate. Healing happens in the context of relationships, and most fervently through the context of the parent-child relationship. And third, plasticity, is what an 8-year-old has plenty of. The brain continues to make major changes until we are 25 years old.
Your child needs to know that the world is safe and good. In order to do this, it will take creating a deeper relationship with him. It will take helping him to express himself at a deeper level. The next time he makes a negative statement, such as, “I hate the shirt you are wearing,” sit with him and listen to him. Ask him more about what he hates.
Validate his negativity instead of trying to convince him of something more positive. “You really do hate this shirt. Wow. Help me understand how much you hate it. Tell me more.” As he expresses himself, help him shift into the feelings behind these words. (It’s really not about the shirt.) “How does that make you feel?”
Essentially, his “I hate the world” statements are indicators of his own internal reality: “The world hates me and I don’t even deserve to be in this world.” When a child (or adult) feels this depth of darkness from within himself, it makes sense as to why all his comments are negative towards his external environment.
Think about a time when you were just in a bad mood. Nothing seemed to be right; nothing seemed to be the way you wanted it to be. Your perception of the world matched your negative framework. So, it is the same with your child, simply at a deeper level within the core of his being.
When you can help him to move into this core area within himself by listening, validating, maximizing, tolerating, accepting, and staying present with him, you’ll be there in relationship to guide him towards feeling safe and loved. Thus, you’ll be able to guide him to see that the world is good and hope does exist. It will take positive repetitious conditioning to do this for him (see Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control, Chapter 3).
The reason this works is because our neurological systems are “plastic.” We have the ability to change and be molded, especially children. Your son is growing and developing everyday. He still has years ahead of him to create new neuropathways. Every interaction with you is an opportunity to literally change his brain and lay down new neuropatterns of positive thought and positive outlook.
Work to stay in a place of understanding, keep yourself regulated, and know that through loving influence, you have the ability to create exactly the environment he needs for healing, hope, and optimism.
|Heather T. Forbes, LCSW
Parent and Author of Beyond Consequences, Logic & Control: Volume 1 & Volume 2,
Dare to Love, and Help for Billy.